There is nothing weird or unnatural about nudity, and yet if you try to bring the topic up in casual conversation, chances are you’ll be asked to leave that funeral. This is what makes nudists so interesting. They defy societal hang-ups and embrace that which the world has fetishized to really creepy degrees. I wanted to know what it was like to freejunk, as literally nobody calls it, so I reached out to Adrian, Michael, and Terry (all experienced nudists) to learn more about their naked lifestyles. They told me that…
4. Erections Are No Biggie Among Nudists
First, you’ll get an apology for this entry title IN HELL. Second, nudists get asked about erections more than Viagra drug reps or your mom (incidentally, her answer is always: “yes please.”) After all, how can nudists enjoy a lifestyle where you must constantly be surrounded by a flesh forest of locked and loaded yogurt bazookas all ready to fire?
But here’s the thing (not the thing, obviously, this is a family site): when you grow out of your teens, your erection becomes a little spoiled. It starts to demand all sorts of things like the right atmosphere, some mood lighting, ambiance etc. Or in other words: nothing that you’ll find at a nudist resort. Adrian explains:
“I’m a red-blooded young man with a thing for older women and a fully working libido, and I did not get a single erection at [my resort].”
“It’s a calm, relaxing place but I’ve been to dungeons and dragons games that had more sex than this. I’ve been to my friends Ramadan gathering and there was still more sexual tension than at the resort.” The other thing is that “People don’t look like models,” Adrian adds. “Go to your average middleclass mall and imagine every single person there naked.” Except the mannequins. Their plastic perfection would drive any human wild with lust.
“Not the hot ones. Everyone. Fat, scars, stretch marks; not perfect bodies are the norm. And you learn not to care.” It all really boils to most people not doing nudism for sexual reasons. “Some do,” Terry says, “no question there. But most do it because wearing clothes when the weather is warm, the sun is shining, and the water is refreshing is dumb. Especially at the beach, a swimsuit makes zero sense.”
But if something happens and your body sends a, uhm, “periscope up” signal to your skin submarine… well, then you simply cover up and go somewhere secluded until it goes away. As long as you don’t stand in halls pretending that you’re a door and your knob is a… knob, then you’ll be totally fine.
3. Nudism Changes The Way You See The World
Not only will nudism not take your eyes out with stray erections, they might even open them. A big reason why people like reality television is because their brains are bad and they should be pelted with rotten fruits on the streets. But also, reality television makes you feel less alone by showing that each and every one of us shares the same faults and, in the end, if we ALL suck… then none of us really suck. It’s a little similar with nudism.
“The biggest benefit,” Michael says, “is that I am comfortable in my skin and more relaxed and confident in my day-to-day home and work life.”
“Pre-nudist I had some anxiety about my shape and size. Now, though, I’ve realized that the diversity of body types and sizes is amazing! I’ve seen men with really large testicles and women with different size breasts and striking body scars (a couple were veterans with war wounds),” and that naturally leads to great sex.
I’m not saying nudists have a huge testicle/war scar fetish. Or maybe they do. I don’t judge. The point is, all of this confrontation with actual human bodies can translate to more confidence and therefore more cockfidence. Adrian explains:
“My fiancé and I are much more comfortable with our bodies, which makes us more comfortable with each other. When we started together, she thought she was ugly, despite being a slender girl, and I thought I was Quasimodo.”
“I eventually pulled the Scott Pilgrim sword of self-respect from my chest and so did she, but a big contributor was nudism, starting at home with just each other.”
Nudists also basically get a free sneak peek on the last page of this great book called Life (subtitled: It’s Mostly Feeling Tired and Complaining About Being Tired) in all of its naked glory. “Since most nudists in our area are older,” Michael told me, “it’s been interesting to see how people’s bodies age. It’s something that I never cared to think about before, but it’s kind of cool to be aware and honest about our bodies and aging.” This makes ageing and our own mortality seem less scary, and I know I basically just said that looking at naked old people makes you OK with dying, but I meant it in the best way possible.
2. Real Nudism Isn’t A Free-for-all. There Are Rules
When you get down to it, proper nudism requires you to follow the same set of rules you’d find at the gym: don’t stare, don’t leer, don’t drool, put a towel down, and expect to see A LOT of old man testicles. Adrian explains:
“You know how when you’re in public, you’re not really allowed to stare at people’s breasts or genitals? There’s no difference in a naturist resort. Take a quick peek, but don’t stare. It’s gorram rude. Also, always sit on a towel, don’t plop your bare butt on chairs or sofas or hammocks.” Michael concurs: “When socially nude, act the way you would if you were clothed: Don’t stare. Don’t take unsolicited pictures. No groping. Be respectful of other peoples’ space. Always carry a towel to sit on.” Oh, and probably wash that towel often as it’s essentially your underwear now.
So it would seem all those online documentaries lied to us and handjobs have in fact NOT replaced handshakes at nudist colonies. Similarly, the desire to be naked has not replaced nudists’ common sense.
If you’ve ever laughed at the idea of a nudist frying bacon, then clearly you are me and should therefore stop thinking about food so much. It’s nothing malicious, of course. It’s just modern life requires clothing in certain situations so you have to at least wonder how nudist deal with them. Like normal, non-crazy people with non-burned genitalia, as it turns out.
“We practice ‘Nude when possible, clothed when practical,’” Adrian told me.
“We will eat naked, swim naked, play pool naked, but we won’t grill naked, go out in a blizzard naked, go in unsuspecting, non-consenting public naked, or weld naked.”
1. It Can Be A Lonely Life
We come into this world naked and, if we’re REALLY lucky, that’s also how we leave it. Nudity should be the most normal thing in the world but many don’t see it this way. Terry learned that the hard way after being kicked out of his church once his congregation found out he was a nudist.
Michael has experienced similar things: “There are some people that think we’re all sex freaks … We are discreet with family.”
“Our families are very conservative Christians and would lose their shit if they found out.”
With religious people you sort of get it because of the whole Adam & Eve, tree of knowledge, aware of their nudity thing (and yet those same people will still ask you to leave the funeral even if you cover yourself with a fig tree leaf.) But even secular people can sometimes look at nudists as weirdos because of how much we associate nudity with sex, which really makes you wonder… how in the ever-loving fuck do those people manage to take showers without freaking out? The answer: by first flogging themselves and yelling “UNCLEAN!”
