Variety is the spice of life and sometimes that spice is hot sauce that you don’t want to quit because it hurts oh so nice. That’s just a clunky allegory (obviously written while hungry) for BDSM which, while fun if done correctly, always has the potential of going wrong and burning you. The thing is, though, people really don’t understand how BDSM injuries actually work, and I very much include myself in that group. That’s why I talked to veteran BDSM enthusiast Arya and Dr. Julie Fennell, a BDSM expert and associate professor at Gallaudet University, who told me that, on the whole, BDSM really just isn’t that dangerous. Details below:

The Most Common BDSM Injuries Come From Kinky Wrestling

Do you love wrestling but you wish it was a bit more real? Do you wish it finally embraced the fact it basically looks like competitive dry-humping? Do you wish the costumes stayed more or less the same? Then it sounds like Kinky Wrestling is just the thing for you.

“Kinky wrestling is basically wrestling without any real rules,” Dr. Fennell says. “People call it grappling or grapple play and it often is taught by people who did wrestling in college but instead of playing for points you play for whatever you want. Usually just for fun. It doesn’t look very different than regular wrestling because wrestling already looks kinky.”

It’s actually better than regular wrestling because here you don’t have any pants-less people fighting for a belt as if that made any goddamn sense. Also, the rules and goals in kinky wrestling are a little bit different. “It’s very common for people to use chokeholds in kinky wrestling, and usually there are no judges.”

“The wrestling itself is the point. It’s sometimes predetermined who is going to lose (though I’d actually say that’s less common than an undetermined competition). It’s all about the thrill of the struggle.”

But even with a predetermined script, things can sometimes go wrong for the actors involved. Just look at any Michael Bay movie. A more relevant example would probably be kinky wrestling-related injuries: “I know of two people who got injured from grapple play. One of them broke her ankle. That wasn’t a scene by the way. It was a class on safety in kinky wrestling. She just put her foot wrong and broke her ankle. A guy I know also broke a leg. That was during a scene. He ended up walking around on crutches for a while. It’s pretty common for people to end up injured from this … But probably not any more common than from sport wrestling.”

So even the most dangerous form of BDSM is only risky not by design but when people make mistakes. That’s actually true for almost all forms of bondage, especially rope play where the biggest injury that Dr. Fennell ever heard of was a woman breaking her leg after tripping on some loose rope.

In Some BDSM Scenarios, Getting Hurt Is Exactly The Point

The difference between vanilla and kinky people is that, while watching Taken, the former try to memorize Liam Neeson’s speech so they can repeat it word-for-word the next time they get a call from a telemarketer. The latter, though, are taking notes for their next BDSM “kidnapping” scene.

“Usually what happens is people sign up for this beforehand,” Dr. Fennell explains. “You submit a form and say hey I want to do a kidnapping scene with someone.”

“They will ask you in very specific details what they can do and can’t, what genders can participate etc. Super specific. Then you know it’s going to happen that day or at some point in the weekend or something. People wear flags or handkerchiefs to identify themselves as participants in the scene.”

And people really get into it. They’ll try to hide from their “attackers” and really fight when they try to abduct them. They’ll kick, scratch, and resist and probably get slapped hard in response. That is the point of it all. Much like Star Wars, the focus of these scenes is the resistance.

“It involves a lot of resistance from the kidnappees. Most common outcome is attackers beat the shit out of them. I saw people come out black and blue out of it and this doesn’t count as an injury. The participants are happy about it … I participated in a scene like this [as an attacker]. My friend – she had her cheek slapped, she had a handprint on her cheek and she was covered in bruises. When it was all done, we went to Waffle House.”

Fortunately, it WAS Waffle House, so no one noticed the kinky folks’ injuries or cared enough to call the cops.

Psychological And Emotional Injuries Can Be Way Worse Than Physical Ones

“What hurt way more was being blown off by a guy I had a lot of intense, kinky experiences with,” Dr. Fennell recalls. “We had a great time and then he blew me off. Didn’t want to have anything to do with me and it was [awful]. When you toy with somebody’s emotions, the consequences can be very severe. I cried. A lot. I tried to get in touch with him but he didn’t answer so eventually I moved on.”

People worry a lot about physical safety but it’s actually the emotional stuff that can really get to you. The brain is the largest sex organ that humans (except Ron Jeremy) have, which is why it hurts so much when someone punches it in the crotch, emotionally speaking.

“Psychological trauma is the biggest risk factor.”

“If you just have [vanilla] sex with someone and they walk away from you, then it sucks of course. But when you literally put your life into somebody’s hands, and BDSM makes you feel like you’re doing that, then it’s way worse. Because then if they blow you off, it’s extra devastating.”

Trust really is everything in BDSM, which brings us to choking. Choking or breath play has slowly been inching its way more and more into the mainstream, which means that pretty soon Tarantino won’t be the only one having to cross his legs while watching that one scene in Inglourious Basterds. The idea behind this kink is pretty simple: you allow another person to obstruct your airflow and the lightheadedness plus the feeling of vulnerability that comes from literally putting your life in the hands of another person make your toes curl so much you’ll be able to touch your heels with them. But this can only happen when the person doing the choking respects your boundaries. Because if they do not, things can go horribly wrong, as Arya unfortunately learned.

“Not everybody into breath play is into it but I like the fear and the helplessness of not being able to breathe. Usually they use their hands and cover my mouth and pinch the nose, using one or two hands etc.”

“There was a time when I panicked because breath play went on too long.”

“This person … I didn’t feel safe with them. I didn’t 100% trust [them], so when during breath play I started running out of air, I absolutely panicked and I just started struggling. She eventually let my nose go and that’s when I was frantically trying to tap out. At one point she let go. I was super scared and panicky.”

There were no physical side-effects of the choking, but, mentally, the entire incident stayed with Arya for a long time. “I couldn’t handle breath play for months. I couldn’t even hold my breath in regular situations. I didn’t have this problem with a partner I trusted. Even in regular situations. Going swimming would give me panic attacks.”

“I held my breath way less. Even if someone farted in an elevator I had to breathe that fucker in because of what happened to me. It could have gone wrong. Well, more wrong.”